Just say no

Everyone knows that drugs and alcohol, although admittedly really tempting, are not solutions to any problems you may have. Sure, you might feel better temporarily, but only to the extent that your judgement is impaired. You feel good now, but in fact your life still sucks as much as it ever did, and possibly even more once you factor in things like restraining orders and traffic school. Any mental health professional worth a damn will tell you that.

So where are those mental health pros when we’re talking about exercise and endorphins? People everywhere increasingly deal with their shitty lives and complicated problems by … going for a run or something equally irresponsible. The world looks intractably uncooperative, and then you spend an hour on a treadmill and suddenly you feel _great_.

Is this great feeling a feeling you can trust? When were you more likely to be correct about your life and your prospects: before or after your workout? Let’s rephrase that — when were you more likely to be correct: before or after you picked up that crack pipe?

And don’t forget the social cost of your sudden cheerfulness on your loved ones and co-workers, especially if your annoyingly great mood is accompanied by just the merest hint to them that, maybe, their world could be as shiny-happy as yours apparently is if they would just move their oversized butts off the furniture once in a while. This is the kind of thing that can tear families apart.

I don’t want to get holier-than-thou on you here, but personally I don’t touch the stuff.

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3 Responses to Just say no

  1. FROM MR. AHMED MUSA.
    AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT.
    BANK OF AFRICA.
    OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO

    DEAR FRIEND,
    (TOP SECRET)
    I AM MR. AHMED MUSA, THE DIRECTOR IN CHARGE OF AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING SECTION OF INTERNATIONAL BANK OF AFRICA OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO IN WEST AFRICA WITH DUE RESPECT AND REGARD. I HAVE DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU ON A BUSINESS TRANSACTION THAT WILL BE VERY BENEFICIAL TO BOTH OF US AT THE END OF THE TRANSACTION.

    DURING OUR INVESTIGATION AND AUDITING IN THIS BANK, MY DEPARTMENT CAME ACROSS A VERY HUGE SUM OF MONEY BELONGING TO A DECEASED PERSON WHO DIED ON 31ST OCTOBER 1999 IN A PLANE CRASH AND THE FUND HAS BEEN DORMANT IN HIS ACCOUNT WITH THIS BANK WITHOUT ANY CLAIM OF THE FUND IN OUR CUSTODY EITHER FROM HIS FAMILY OR RELATION BEFORE OUR DISCOVERY TO THIS DEVELOPMENT.

    ALTHOUGH PERSONALLY, I KEEP THIS INFORMATION SECRET WITHIN MYSELF AND PARTNERS TO ENABLE THE WHOLE PLANS AND IDEA BE PROFITABLE AND SUCCESSFUL DURING THE TIME OF EXECUTION. THE SAID AMOUNT WAS U.S $7.2M (SEVEN MILLION TWO HUNDRED UNITED STATES DOLLARS). AS IT MAY INTEREST YOU TO KNOW, I GOT YOUR IMPRESSIVE INFORMATION THROUGH THE BUKINAB CHAMBER OF COMMERCE ON FOREIGN BUSINESS RELATIONS HERE IN OUAGA. BURKINA-FASO.

    MEANWHILE ALL THE WHOLE ARRANGEMENT TO PUT CLAIM OVER THIS FUND AS THE BONAFIDE NEXT OF KIN TO THE DECEASED, GET THE REQUIRED APPROVAL AND TRANSFER THIS MONEY TO A FOREIGN ACCOUNT HAS BEEN PUT IN PLACE AND DIRECTIVES AND NEEDED INFORMATION WILL BE RELAYED TO YOU AS SOON AS YOU INDICATE YOUR INTEREST AND WILLINGNESS TO ASSIST US AND ALSO BENEFIT YOUR SELF TO THIS GREAT BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY.

    IN FACT I COULD HAVE DONE THIS DEAL ALONE BUT BECAUSE OF MY POSITION IN THIS COUNTRY AS A CIVIL SERVANT(A BANKER),WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO OPERATE A FOREIGN ACCOUNT AND WOULD EVENTUALLY RAISE AN EYE BROW ON MY SIDE DURING THE TIME OF TRANSFER BECAUSE I WORK IN THIS BANK. THIS IS THE ACTUAL REASON WHY IT WILL REQUIRE A SECOND PARTY OR FELLOW WHO WILL FORWARD CLAIMS AS THE NEXT OF KIN WITH AFFIDAVIT OF TRUST OF OATH TO THE BANK AND ALSO PRESENT A FOREIGN ACCOUNT WHERE HE WILL NEED THE MONEY TO BE RE-TRANSFERRED INTO ON HIS REQUEST AS IT MAY BE AFTER DUE VERIFICATION AND CLARIFICATION BY THE CORRESPONDENT BRANCH OF THE BANK WHERE THE WHOLE MONEY WILL BE REMITTED FROM TO YOUR OWN DESIGNATION BANK ACCOUNT.

    I WILL NOT FAIL TO INFORM YOU THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% RISK FREE. ON SMOOTH CONCLUSION OF THIS TRANSACTION, YOU WILL BE ENTITLED TO 30% OF THE TOTAL SUM AS GRATIFICATION, WHILE 5% WILL BE SET ASIDE TO TAKE CARE OF EXPENSES THAT MAY ARISE DURING THE TIME OF TRANSFER AND ALSO TELEPHONE BILLS, WHILE 65% WILL BE FOR ME. PLEASE, YOU HAVE BEEN ADVICED TO KEEP “TOP SECRET” AS I AM STILL IN SERVICE AND INTEND TO RETIRE FROM SERVICE AFTER WE CONCLUDE THIS DEAL WITH YOU.

    I WILL BE MONITORING THE WHOLE SITUATION HERE IN THIS BANK UNTIL YOU CONFIRM THE MONEY IN YOUR ACCOUNT AND ASK ME TO COME DOWN TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR SUBSEQUENT SHARING OF THE FUND ACCORDING TO PERCENTAGES PREVIOUSLY INDICATED AND FURTHER INVESTMENT, EITHER IN YOUR COUNTRY OR ANY COUNTRY YOU ADVICE US TO INVEST IN. ALL OTHER NECESSARY VITAL INFORMATION WILL BE SENT TO YOU WHEN I HEAR FROM YOU.

    I LOOK FORWARD TO RECEIVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER AND EMAIL SO THAT I WILL GET BACK TO YOU.

    YOURS FAITHFULLY,
    MR.AHMED MUSA.

  2. John Wiseman says:

    I’m getting a lot of spam from actual humans these days, too. My text-captcha-equivalent is becoming insufficient.

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